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For those who don't follow Northern Lights, I just posted an entry over there as well called "Villains and Choice Points".

Northern Lights

Villains and Choice Points

Pain

Pain’s an interesting thing. Something we like to avoid, for the most part, for most of us. I do know there are some who actually like it and seek it out. But I’m speaking to the rest of the population who avoid it. I’m on the wimpy side of the spectrum when it comes to pain, but I’ve seen even those not so wimpy do an awful lot to avoid it.

I've avoided pain, particularly if it involves a dentist. I hate dentists. I avoid them. Usually when I do this avoidance, I pay for it in the end. I've had more root canals than I'd like to admit, most of them avoidable - if only I'd gone through the smaller pain required to fix the issue when it came up. Sometimes I don't learn very well or very quickly.

But I’ve had some opportunities to experience pain, all in the name of improvement. One time I had shoulder impingement syndrome for months. It hurts. A lot. I had a physical therapist give me some exercises that would help, but they didn’t do that much for me. And I’m not the most compliant patient anyway. I happen to see a chiropractor once in a while who does wonders for my back and headaches. So when I saw him I mentioned my shoulder woes, he happily adjusted it, much to my surprise. In the instant he adjusted my shoulder, I thought I might die from the pain. But amazingly, within seconds, the pain was gone and I could move my shoulder better than I had been able to in months. So, I went back for more of his pain.

It seems we avoid pain - unless going through pain serves us somehow. Unless going through that pain will somehow get us to a better place once we’re through it. (Unless we're avoiding it like I avoid dentists). That’s how I see my SSA journey at times. I see what I need to do, what I need to give up, where I need to go, and it may seem an awfully painful route. But trusting that on the other side is not only relief, but something better than I have now, I can do it, and most often choose to do so. Because avoiding it never serves me. I imagine there are people who would rather deal with shoulder impingement pain than go see a chiropractor, even if someone testifies that once they’re through that intense pain, they’ll feel better.

I’m reminded of a quote from David S. Baxter in the October 2006 General Conference.

At ... moments of crisis and challenge, some choose to abandon faith just at the time when it most needs to be embraced. Prayer is ignored at the very hour when it needs to be intensified. Virtue is carelessly tossed aside when it needs to be cherished. God is forsaken in the all-too-human yet mistaken fear that He has forsaken us.

The truth is that our only safety, our only security, our only hope is to hold fast to that which is good. As the mists of darkness gather around us, we are only lost if we choose to let go of the iron rod, which is the word of God.

Too often we avoid the pain by giving up just a little bit too soon. I hope to keep having enough faith to go through it anyway. So far I’ve not regretted it.

When I Get This Far ...

I wrote this a year ago ... Never posted it. I'm not sure why. I think it's a good reminder for me right now when things are going well. So here it is.

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I have a thinking error. I didn't realize it until recently. But it's one I need to reframe and reconsider.

Somehow I get in my head an idea that when I get so far in something, I'll be better at it. Somehow this "better at it" means in my mind that I won't have any further issues, or I'll be good enough at it, or I will be a pro/expert. I never get there.

In my schooling I've felt pretty confident on some issues. I'm not stupid by any means, so I thought with the more schooling I got, the more I'd know, and therefore the better I'd be. What really has happened is that the more I learn, the more I realize I don't know much.

I have found the same to be true with SSA. I thought the further along I got with being true to my covenants, the longer I went in being obedient, the better things would be for me in this regard. In other words, the fewer poor choices I'd make. What really has happened is that the more I learn, the more I realize I don't know much.

I've had some enlightening moments recently. I realized a few things I never wanted to realize before. One, my SSA is there even when it's kept at bay. Having it below the surface is good for me, but it's still below the surface. Even I forget sometimes that it's there. And since it's so there, though hidden, certain things can make it not so beneath the surface at all. It's good to keep that in mind. Two, no matter how long it's been since I've acted on such feelings, this does not make me immune to the temptation. I don't like that much. I think I much preferred to think that the more I went without acting on my feelings, the more far away non-existent they'd become. It just doesn't happen that way.

Someone said to me I should be pleased with myself. Any poor choice I have made recently in regard to SSA is minuscule compared to how I used to be. Considering I'd hoped to be free from any such choices whatsoever by now, I am not so sure. Another level of learning for me, yet again.

• I don't know much.
• Safety is always the best policy.

And I'm no longer going to say, "One day I'll have this down", cuz that's just clearly not true. What is true is that I will continue on and will continue in obedience. The blessings continue to come. And it is always worth it.

Endurance Perspective

Years ago, I was in the habit of praying daily for my SSA to be removed from me. I wanted it gone, I wanted it rooted from my soul, I’d do anything for that to happen. One morning as I knelt by my chair to repeat my prayer as I did every day, I got to the part about taking this SSA from me. My mind stopped and it felt like I couldn’t think of what to say next. I knew what I wanted to say, but I couldn’t say it. Then I felt, “You’re asking for the wrong thing.” I thought, tentatively, “Then what am I to ask for?” And I heard in my mind, “Pray to endure.” I sat down and bawled. That’s not what I wanted to be blessed with. Endurance? Who wants that?!

I have since learned many things about endurance. One of those things was said by President Uchtdorf in the October 2007 General Conference:

Enduring to the end is not just a matter of passively tolerating life's difficult circumstances or 'hanging in there.' Ours is an active religion, helping God's children along the strait and narrow path to develop their full potential during this life and return to Him one day. Viewed from this perspective, enduring to the end is exalting and glorious, not grim and gloomy. This is a joyful religion, one of hope, strength, and deliverance. 'Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy' (2 Nephi 2:25).

Enduring to the end is a process filling every minute of our life, every hour, every day, from sunrise to sunrise.

I like that. It's not just passively tolerating this difficult circumstance. It's not about "hanging in there." I bet that's why some people ask me how I could (or would) choose as I do. They ask it like they're asking me how I could stick needles in my eyes. It's not like that for me. In changing my perspective, and in accepting His will for me, and actively choosing a positive attitude about it, I have found just what President Uchtdorf says: that joy I always talk about, the hope, the strength, and the deliverance. Not the deliverance I hoped for years ago, but deliverance for sure. And it's not grim and gloomy. Sweet!

I just think this is amazing stuff. When we apply what they say, it really works. Cool, huh.

Primary Songs and Car Accidents

Sometimes it has taken so much faith to realize that He has my best interest in mind. Sometimes it hasn’t made any sense at all. Years ago, my son, then 4 years old, was hit by a car. He followed all the rules, he was careful, he was obedient. As he was laying on my front lawn, bleeding from his head, scared to death, waiting for the ambulance to arrive, the primary song “Keep the Commandments” came to my mind. In particular I heard the line, “Keep the commandments. In this there is safety, in this there is peace.” I said to a friend who was there to help me, “How do you explain to a four-year old that a primary song is a lie?”

I stayed in the hospital with my son overnight. He woke up the next morning, face swollen and scratched, hands swollen and sore. As he sat on the edge of the bed, he said to me, “Mom, I hate cars.” It was a funny moment. But it was also the moment where I understood that primary song. The safety was not physical safety, but spiritual and emotional safety. It was not physical peace, but spiritual and emotional peace. Knowing my son now at 18 and how his brain thinks, he could easily have sat on the edge of that bed, if he had made different choices, and said, “Mom, I hate myself.” I have heard it many times in his teen years.

I keep getting reminders that we’re not promised all will be well. We’re not promised to be free of accident or harm or difficulty. We’re not promised to feel the spirit all the time. We are not promised we won't feel pain. We are not promised we will not feel lonely.

We are promised safety, peace, comfort, and sometimes incredible joy. And when we’re not having that incredible joy, we can find the comfort and the peace to get us through until we do. How much more sweet that comfort and peace is when it comes because we've done our best.

Clarifying Wave Making

Apparently I made some waves in my previous post about Evergreen. I'd like to clarify, if I may.

The sticking point was this phrase: there are some points of Evergreen I am not sure I support fully.

No need to panic. I didn't say there are points of the Gospel I don't support fully. I support every point of that.

As far as what I don't support with Evergreen ... I decided to go back to their mission statement, which follows (in part):

Evergreen is founded on the belief that the atonement of Jesus Christ enables every soul the opportunity to turn away from all sins or conditions that obstruct their temporal and eternal happiness and potential.

Maybe I'm splitting hairs here. However, I do not believe that the atonement of Jesus Christ enables the soul of, say, every barren woman the opportunity to turn away from her condition, which obviously obstructs her temporal happiness. Likewise, I don't believe the atonement of Jesus Christ enables every SSA soul the opportunity to turn away from the condition, meaning to make it go away, in this life. I don't like the implication made frequently that it can "go away" when so many of us have tried everything (including faith and the atonement), yet it remains. Notice I say "in this life" because I believe barren women will have the opportunity for children in the next life, just as we SSAers will have the opportunity in the next life to be free from it - and I believe that applies to every soul.

I do believe however, that the atonement of Jesus Christ enables every soul the opportunity to turn away from all sins. Even SSA sins. I know without a doubt the atonement of Christ can move us from a place of despair and hopelessness to a place of peace and freedom from turmoil, even freedom from behaviors.

Evergreen attests that individuals can overcome homosexual behavior and can diminish same-sex attraction, and is committed to assisting individuals who wish to do so.

Agreed.

So there you have it. The reason I don't support point #1 is the fact that implying one can overcome this condition has the potential to give one false hope that they'll feel straight one day. I know some who have made that transition and I am pleased beyond belief for them. However, I know more who have not and do not make that transition. I have seen far, far too many good men and women who have felt a loss of hope when they do all they can and the SSA doesn't get "turned away". They change behaviors, they change thoughts, they change all they can, and the SSA remains. I have seen a good number of those men and women leave the church in this hopelessness because they just "can't do what's expected". How sad to me.

Hope that clarifies a bit ... Any questions, feel free to leave a comment.

Second Chances

Every year Evergreen International puts on a conference. I've gone a few times and have a mixed kind of experience. I even presented there once in like 1997? I decided two years ago I would not return for a few reasons: 1) I don't consider myself one who struggles and don't need a lot of support, 2) there aren't usually workshops I consider helpful for women, 3) there are people who are a part of Evergreen who dislike me greatly, and 4) there are some points of Evergreen I am not sure I support fully. I've had some pretty hurtful experiences there due to #3. Regardless of all that, I've always been willing to help at the conference and present a workshop if they'd ever be willing. They've never been willing. Until this year. (Though last year I was part of a panel for female strugglers).

So I get to do a workshop in September, on my birthday, actually. I've already written it up and already have a power point. I'm trying to get it down in my mind so I can do it from the top of my head. I personally think it's pretty good. :)

Here's what I'm going to talk about:

Brief history of my own experiences
Being told to pray for endurance (maybe I should blog that one day)
"If you do, I can't bless you"
My daughter's seminary experience
My sons
Primary songs and car accidents (another thing I should blog one day)
Moses' example and a great pattern (yet another blog post for another day)
Pain (maybe a blog post one day)
Power over the adversary
Invictus and other encouraging stuff (you know ... a post for later)

That's about it. I am grateful for the opportunity. I'm excited to be able to share something I think may be useful for women. That's what I'm praying for anyway ...

My only worry is the critics.