Conundrum

I love that word, conundrum. Not sure why. It just says so much in 3 syllables.

I have been asked to speak in sacrament meeting again on the 25th. It seems like I just spoke in Sacrament in February. Already it's my turn? Maybe it's a chance to redeem myself - I don't think I did that good of a job last time. This topic will be a good one: Come Listen to a Prophet's Voice. I can do that.

I've been thinking, though, about my conundrum. I want there to be a time when we can speak freely from the pulpit about our struggles with SSA. I want to be able to say, "This is my struggle and this is how I deal with it faithfully." I think the potential to help many lies in the ability to do that. I, however, am too afraid to speak of it from the pulpit except in vague terms.

On Northern Lights blog, Mark shared his thoughts about something I've thought a lot about. He talked about how he used to think if one was gay they were anti-church, and if one were church they were anti-gay. "Living a gospel committed life meant rejecting what I viewed as being gay, and being gay meant turning one’s back on gospel covenants." But he realized this doesn't have to be the case. I have realized the same, though I have to remind myself of it at times. And Mark hopes for the same thing I do, that people will one day understand "what it means to be gay and a committed member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints."

I know that message won't get out until those of us who fit that description put it out there. I have felt for years I'd have to be one of those voices, and I am to a degree. I blog, I tell people at school freely, I discuss it with a few people from church individually. But not enough people in the church are hearing it and understanding it. I blogged recently about how a prophet's voice influenced me in my SSA issues. It would go along quite well with my talk ...

But the reaction is what I fear. As I said to Mark, I teach Gospel Doctrine and imagine the next week I teach, the room would be empty of class members … or the bishop would call me into his office to tell me I shouldn’t have spoken so freely … or people would begin avoiding me … or who knows what. Experience tells me this is a topic people are much happier keeping quiet about. I hate that fact, but play into it based on my fears. I am sure that plays a role in it’s perpetuation.

And yet, is sacrament meeting really the best place to share this? If not, what is? I know two things: it needs to be said and I'm too scared to do it.

Limits & Shopping

I had an experience the other day that relates quite well to my last post about Lifelong Limits. Actually it started a few months ago.

I do a lot of grocery shopping at Sam's Club. I usually do this alone, other than a friend I often call while I accomplish this weekly task. A few months ago, I took my roommate with me. As we were going along down the rows, I saw this amazing packages of 100 gel pens for under $20! I pointed them out to her and said it would be cool to have them. She disagreed. Since we share certain expenses, I went on my merry way. But every week, I saw those gel pens.

Last week, my daughter (almost 16) came with me. I pointed out the gel pens to her and said it would be cool to have them. She lit up and began explaining to me all the myriads of reasons we needed those gel pens. It didn't take very long before those pens were in our cart. An hour later, they were in my house. Imagine that.


Limits. No, I don't need to ban my daughter from going to the grocery store with me. I just need to be more careful about telling her what my wants are (as opposed to needs), knowing she'll likely, magically, convince me to just go ahead and buy them. Or I could just prepare myself, now that I am aware of this pattern and tendency, and be strong enough to say no. So many possibilities ... so many solutions.

The funny part of this story ... I don't even like gel pens.

Lifelong Limits

In my last post, I talked about the realizations about how strongly my SSA is still there. It's got me thinking again about Mosiah 24, which I've talked about before.

13 And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.

14 And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

It's interesting that I thought I knew what that meant before. I wouldn't say anything differently today than I did then. But now I think I get it. Of course, I hesitate to ever say I get anything, since I thought I got it then. I still know I don't know much! Perhaps it's better to say I get it at a new level now.

It makes me wonder why I didn't truly understand, at the core of me, that my SSA is still here, as strong as it was 20 years ago. Logically, it's going to not be raging like it was then since a few new things are in place:

• I manage my thoughts, and thus my fantasies, and so naturally the feelings are not always in my face and active.
• I accept that I have SSA and don't judge myself for the feelings that come up, and this makes them less powerful and destructive to me.
  
• I turn to the Lord more, and this refocus makes the inclinations not quite so rampant.
• He has done as promised and made the burdens not feel so difficult.
• I have appropriate relationships with women.

I used to be upset with a certain woman who told us she had "overcome" her SSA, yet would not associate with any other SSA woman. I felt she was like a kleptomaniac who thought she was "all better" because she doesn't steal anymore, but yet doesn't go into any stores. I am still under the impression that denial such as that isn't going to get us anywhere but shocked, amazed, and knocked on our butts when a situation presents itself by surprise, and then we have no tools to deal with it.

For me, a situation has presented itself sort of by surprise - well, really the only surprise is the way I responded to it and was so tempted by it - and it shocked me, amazed me, and almost knocked me on my butt. But thankfully, since I do still go into stores and have relationships with others, even if they are SSA, I had tools to fall back on. I had experience in saying no. I had the limits already in place and practiced.

Yet on some level, I was not in any better place than the one who doesn't associate with people like me. Even though I entered stores, and practiced not succumbing to my temptations, I was just as sure as she is that I had "overcome" and come to a place where I could handle it. (Sounds an awful lot like "all is well in Zion"). That wasn't helpful, in the long run.

Thankfully, I get this level of it anyway. I get that, though the burden is made light so I cannot feel it, it is still just as on my back now as it ever was. I get that my limits and boundaries need to be honored, regardless of how strong I think I may be. I get that I have overcome the inclinations, with the Lord's divine intervention, so that I am making different choices now than I did even 8 years ago. And that's incredible news. But the inclination is still there.

But I'm not where I hoped I'd be when I started this journey. I wanted to be in a place where I was free of the temptation, free of the inclination, free of mistakes - even little ones - in this regard. I was talking to a friend about that recently and she said, "Isn't that almost like hoping for a cure?" Since "cure" isn't something I'm shooting for or necessarily even believe in, her point was poignant.

Going back to the kleptomaniac example ... I feel like I realized I could enter the store, and I can do so with ease, knowing I will not steal. Regardless of what department of that store I am standing in, I know without a doubt I will not steal. I don't even want to. Yet, I know that if I spend an awful lot of time in the watch department, I will be tempted to touch a few of them. And if I start touching a few of them, holding them in my hands, caressing them, pretty soon I'm going to want one. And that place of wanting it, pondering it, fantasizing about it, is not where I want to be. It's like I suddenly realize I can still go to the store, go in the store, and even go see the watches, but when it comes to watches, I am aware of - and honor - my limits.

A new place for me, yet again. A place of accepting where I really am, what I really deal with, and how to do so with humility and reality. Understanding my limits are life long and honoring that. That is what keeps me safe and at peace.

When I Get This Far ...

I have a thinking error. I didn't realize it until recently. But it's one I need to reframe and reconsider.

Somehow I get in my head an idea that when I get so far in something, I'll be better at it. Somehow this "better at it" means in my mind that I won't have any further issues, or I'll be good enough at it, or I will be a pro/expert. I never get there.

In my schooling I've felt pretty confident on some issues. I'm not stupid by any means, so I thought with the more schooling I got, the more I'd know, and therefore the better I'd be. What really has happened is that the more I learn, the more I realize I don't know much.

I have found the same to be true with SSA. I thought the further along I got with being true to my covenants, the longer I went in being obedient, the better things would be for me in this regard. In other words, the fewer poor choices I'd be tempted to make. What really has happened is that the more I learn, the more I realize I don't know much.

I've had some enlightening moments recently. I realize a few things. One, my SSA is there even when it's kept at bay. Having it below the surface is good for me, but it's still below the surface. Even I forget sometimes that it's there. And since it's so there, though hidden, certain things can make it not so beneath the surface at all. It's good to keep that in mind. Two, no matter how long it's been since I've acted out, this does not make me immune to the temptation. I don't like that much. I think I much preferred to think that the more I went without acting on my feelings, the more far away non-existent they'd become. It just doesn't happen that way.

Good stuff for me to realize - and what a witness to me of how important it is to keep the Lord first, to keep His fortifications in place, and to always be aware of my carnal nature. Even though I "get it" before I make costly mistakes, a huge part of me wishes I'd just be immune.

Whole Souls

And now, my beloved brethren, I would that ye should come unto Christ, who is the Holy One of Israel, and partake of his salvation, and the power of his redemption. Yea, come unto him, and offer your whole souls as an offering unto him, and continue in fasting and praying, and endure to the end; and as the Lord liveth ye will be saved.

In preparing my lesson for this week, we read in Omni. Verse 26 has kept coming back to me all week. The idea of offering my whole soul has been part of what I've considered. I think so much of dealing with SSA is about offering our whole souls. We are being asked to give this burden, and all the acting out behaviors that feel quite fulfilling for a moment, and trust Him. That's a big request.

Then I was reading in this month's Ensign and found a story in President Monson's First Presidency Message, Treasure of Eternal Value. This is an amazing story, which may be too long to include here. It just speaks to me. So I'm including it anyway. If you don't want to read it, feel free to skip to the bottom. :)

A story written by Karen Nolen, which appeared in the New Era in 1974, tells of a Benjamin Landart who, in 1888, was 15 years old and an accomplished violinist. Living on a farm in northern Utah with his mother and seven brothers and sisters was sometimes a challenge to Benjamin, as he had less time than he would have liked to play his violin. Occasionally his mother would lock up the violin until he had his farm chores done, so great was the temptation for Benjamin to play it.

In late 1892 Benjamin was asked to travel to Salt Lake to audition for a place with the territorial orchestra. For him, this was a dream come true. After several weeks of practicing and prayers, he went to Salt Lake in March of 1893 for the much-anticipated audition. When he heard Benjamin play, the conductor, a Mr. Dean, said Benjamin was the most accomplished violinist he had heard west of Denver. Benjamin was told to report to Denver for rehearsals in the fall and learned that he would be earning enough to keep himself, with some left over to send home.

A week after Benjamin received this good news, however, his bishop called him into his office and asked if Benjamin couldn’t put off playing with the orchestra for a couple of years. The bishop told Benjamin that before he started earning money, there was something he owed the Lord. The bishop then asked Benjamin to accept a mission call.

Benjamin felt that giving up his chance to play in the territorial orchestra would be almost more than he could bear, but he also knew what his decision should be. He promised the bishop that if there were any way to raise the money for him to serve, he would accept the call.

When Benjamin told his mother about the call, she was overjoyed. She told him that his father had always wanted to serve a mission but had been killed before that opportunity had come to him. However, when they discussed the financing of the mission, her face clouded over. Benjamin told her he would not allow her to sell any more of their land. She studied his face for a moment and then said, “Ben, there is a way we can raise the money. This family [has] one thing that is of great enough value to send you on your mission. You will have to sell your violin.”

Six days later, on March 23, 1893, Benjamin wrote in his journal: “I awoke this morning and took my violin from its case. All day long I played the music I love. In the evening when the light grew dim and I could see to play no longer, I placed the instrument in its case. It will be enough. Tomorrow I leave [for my mission].”

Forty-five years later, on June 23, 1938, Benjamin wrote in his journal: “The greatest decision I ever made in my life was to give up something I dearly loved to the God I loved even more. He has never forgotten me for it.”2

I see that I have been asked to serve a mission, too. And the price to pay for that mission is in giving Him my sins ("I will give away all my sins to know thee", Alma 22:18). And as Benjamin testified, so can I: "The greatest decision I ever made in my life was to give up something I dearly loved to the God I loved even more. He has never forgotten me for it."

Christ

In my latest post about the Young Women broadcast, I mentioned the pattern the talks repeated: prayer, scriptures, obedience. I love that pattern. I was also very impressed that they each talked about practical things to do as well. I'll see if I can get to each of them as I go along. This post is about the advice Susan Tanner, the Young Women President (just released today), gave. It was in response to "how can we stand as witnesses of God?"

• Talk of Christ
• Preach of Christ
• Stand steadfast in Christ
• Keep your covenants
• Rejoice in Christ
• Express gratitude
• Radiate joy

I love that list. What is amazing about that list is that it works. As I spend my time talking and preaching of Christ, as I stand fast and keep my covenants, and as I rejoice in Christ, and express gratitude and joy, my life is filled. My struggles become more manageable. The burden seems lighter.

If we break it down to secular meaning, it's all about attitude. And what better attitude than one aimed at Christ?

Bearing testimony of Christ and how He blesses our lives is intended to bless others. I have heard it blesses ourselves as well, but I am just beginning to see one of the many ways that works. It seems odd to me on a logical level how me sharing my testimony strengthens myself, but it does. It moves me to focus on Him, focus on what He offers me, on how He's blessed me. It allows me to feel the spirit, which buoys me. It keeps me rooted on where my spirit wants to be.

What a blessing for me to be able to use this blog as a place to do this. Sometimes when I'm having a rough time, I think about my blog, consider that I need to post, and within a short time, my rough time is eased. And all I've done is focused on the blessings, focused on what insight I could share, focused on how I can share even a small way I am lifted in this trial.

Even if no one reads, at least my life has been blessed.

Question

I wonder how things would be different - how we would feel different - if we eliminated such words as "not supposed to" from our vocabulary. What if we just accepted SSA is what we feel and choose to do something productive about it anyway? What if we kept the judgment off what we experience and just chose well?